To My Daughters...

Dear Girls of mine…
I am not perfect.
I feel so far from it.
I often times feel that I have failed you as your mother.
For instance,
I would yell at you and curse horrible things when I was angry.
I would ignore you, try to get away from you, or even wish I never had you.
Some days I would cry and pull my hair at the slightest sound of your crying.
I hated the long nights of little sleep because you wanted to eat every two hours.
The stress I felt being pulled every which way between you and your sister.
There were days I absolutely despised motherhood.
Some days, being a mother completely shattered my spirit, and it took every bit of mental strength I had to push myself through those tough days.
And  then, when I’ve calmed down and recollected myself,
I often feel I don’t deserve you.
I think about all the times I was out of line and how I could have handled the situations better.
I feel disgusted in myself for treating you like that.
How could I, your mother, be so horrible to you?
Then, when I’m alone at night, I begin to wonder about the future.
It scares me because I deeply fear I will lead you down the wrong roads.
Teach you the wrong things.
I fear that I may accidentally make you conform to societies stereotypical standards instead of teaching you to choose what you want to be. To love yourself as you develop throughout time.
It terrifies every time you look at me because when you turn to me, my heart prays that I am doing this motherhood thing right.
After all, every part of you relies on me.
You look at me to guide you and to take care of you.
You don’t question what I say or what I am teaching you.
You just learn. You take in everything you are taught, whether I meant to or not.
How terrifying that is.
And you will never begin to understand that until you have your own children someday.
However…
There are so many little things I watch you do that make me remember how rewarding this all is.
Every time you smile, or run to me, hugging my leg as I walk through the door…
Or that beautiful moment when I heard you say “mama” for the very first time.
Watching you dash around the yard, picking up the leaves , bringing them to me and babbling so excitedly.
I remember all of the little things that make this incredulous journey all worth the while.
I realize there will be days, or time periods, where things are bleak and you will possibly even despise me.
We will struggle. There will be times I may not be there for you when you need me.
But I give you my word, as your mother, that I will do everything I can for you.
I promise from the deepest part of my soul that I will do my best.
I will always love you no matter what happens.
From the day you were created, to the day you were born from my body…
I promise I will always love you and to always be proud of you.
You, my children, will forever be the best part of me, even if I can’t see it.
Even on my worst of days, I couldn’t imagine my life without you.
My love for you, my children… my own flesh and blood… it’s an unconditional gift. I can’t help it.
I know it may not seem like much;
After all… it wont come in a box, and you can’t buy it from a store.
But it will never expire.
It will only grow with each and every passing day.
I brought you into this world, and I will forever carry you with me.
I pray you will take this gift; the best gift I can offer.
Love.
It is precious, and eternal.